


Built for Sin

by jumbyxjenkins



Series: A Change for a Peace of Mind [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-05 09:52:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14615787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumbyxjenkins/pseuds/jumbyxjenkins
Summary: While searching through the millions of Hydra files exposed in the fall of SHIELD, the gang discovers something interesting: A pair of twins who were able to break the Hydra mind control and escape. They knew how to break the conditioning, and there is a good chance they can help fix Bucky's mind...The only problem? They were recaptured, and they have to be rescued. Who are these twins? What is their story? And why does Bucky feel like he knows them?





	1. Sucker

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I have been working on this fic (spoiler: Series of fics) for quite some time. Most of these first few chapters were written in around 2016, just after Civil War, and as such, it diverges from that point. However, I didn't finish it then, nor did I stop. It has since become something I keep coming back to, switching between writing for this part or writing part 2, which tends to be more fun, (which doesn't make sense, seeing as how I can't share part 2 even if I finish it, unless part one is done.) But alas, that is how inspiration works, isn't it? These first few chapters are older, so they feel choppy, but I really don't know how to make them better, so I left them as they were. This fic (series) will pull from the MCU, both the movies, and Agents of Shield for plot points, but I know a lot of people don't watch it, so I will try to explain whatever is going on. Also, this series draws a lot of inspiration from music, and will include song lyrics. Sometimes they are in the chapters themselves, but most of the time they will probably just be at the beginning or end.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. I am hoping that if I post part of it, and people like it, it will give me the courage and motivation to keep it up. As I said, been working on this thing off and on for two years now, I don't ~seem to be inclined to abandon it, I just have a hard time not hating what I write, and an even harder time believing anyone would want to read it. Let me know what you think!

His chrome fingers tighten. Fingertips digging into her throat, almost piercing the skin. He lifts her further up the wall, her fingers grasping at his arm as she runs out of oxygen. She looks down into his steel blue eyes, and can see  _ him _ , the real him, just beyond the glass of his eyes. She stares into them, pleading with her own as she tries to strangle out a noise; any noise.  _ Please, please just see me. Please.  _ A choked garble escapes from her throat, and tears escape from her eyes.

In an instant, as if he could hear her pleading thoughts, he releases her, and she falls back to the ground onto her feet, coughing until she catches her breath. The adrenaline tells her to run, but she doesn’t. She looks back at his face, looking up at him now. Even through the brown strands of hair that have fallen in his face she can see his eyes. _His_ eyes. She sees his jaw clench, “Please…don’t leave me here alone.” It was barely a whisper. Barely even words. She can see his struggle with the voices; the pain in his eyes, the shaking of his hands. Before even thinking, she raises her left hand up to his cheek.

“I don’t know how or when, but I will find a way to help you. I will come back for you…I promise.” She leans up, and presses her lips to his. They are so soft, so warm…but unmoving. Like kissing a living statue, when she pulls away she can see the pain in his eyes even clearer, but before it could break her heart, she ran. She ran back to the rubble and knelt down to her sister, pressing a finger against her throat, checking for a pulse. _Oh thank God._ She slips her arms under her sister’s knees and shoulders and lifts her limp body off the ground. She looks back over her shoulder, and he is still standing in the same spot, visibly shaking. _Thank you._ She squints her eyes, trying to block out her mind repeating his desperate plea. _I am so sorry._ She clutches her sister close to her body, and she runs.

* * *

“Oh my God.” Wanda sighed, eyes still scanning over the file on her computer screen, re-reading the words over and over again. “This could mean…I have to make sure…Second opinion…Natasha!” She yelled, loud enough for her to hear from down the hall

Within a few moments, the red haired woman was making her way through Wanda’s doorway, “Wanda, is everything okay? What is wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong… It’s just, I was reading over some of the files on the Hydra program that led to…” She lifted her hand, red sparks curling around her fingers, “That’s not important, just read these files,” she gestured to her laptop, “And let me know if it means what I think it means.”

Natasha gave her a questioning look, but sat down at the desk, and began looking through the open files. Wanda was pacing through the room, waiting for her to finish. Several minutes later, Natasha spins back around in the office chair, “These sisters went through the same mind control program as Barnes. But they were able to break it. Become uncontrollable.” Wanda nodded, “You think they are the secret to getting Hydra out of Bucky’s head?”

“I thought that might be the case, I wanted a second opinion.”

“I think it’s possible. And I think it’s something Steve would definitely want to explore. We should tell him and see what he wants to do. Good job Maximoff.” Natasha smirked. Wanda returned the smile, happy she might be able to help a friend.

* * *

Steve turned to look at Sam entering the conference room, “They called you here too?”

“Yeah,” He grabbed another of the chairs from around the conference room table and sat down, “Do you think we should be worried? They usually invite all the team if it is a mission brief.”

Steve looked around the conference room, wondering why Natasha had called an emergency meeting without any information, “Yeah, I don’t know. This isn’t normal.”

As if on cue, Natasha and Wanda entered the conference room and closed the door behind them, “Good, you are both early.” Natasha stated; using her tablet to pull up some sort of file and project it onto the presentation screen.

“Is that a Hydra file? Are we the only ones coming to this little meeting? What is going on, Romanoff?” Steve asked rather quickly; Sam just raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, we are the only ones coming. We ask that you  _ try  _ to hold off the questions until after we have presented you with all the information.” She sat down near the head of the table, across from Wanda and closest to the screen. “Wanda, you go first.”

Wanda took a deep breath, “Okay, well. I have been looking through all of the released SHIELD and Hydra files, looking for any information on the project that made me what I am, and I stumbled across this project, and began to work on decrypting all of the files associated with it.” She points to the information on the screen, “This was a human enhancement program, starting in the late 40’s but taking place primarily in the 50’s, and it is basically the predecessor to the project that I was a part of…They created a serum, much like the one that enhanced you,” She looked at Steve, “except rather than a super soldier, they wanted a walking nuclear bomb.” Steve and Sam looked at each other with wide eyes, “It gave the user the ability to break down matter into its energy, and bend that energy to their will…However, there were some…catches.” Wanda looked at Natasha, silently asking her to take over.

Natasha began flipping through files of patients, all marked ‘Deceased.’ “Basically the mental capacity required to use the power was too great, all of the patients that the serum actually worked on, ended up dead, either by brain aneurysm or by vaporization.”

“Sounds like Hydra,” Steve muttered under his breath.

Natasha ignored his comment and kept on, “So they changed the serum, split the load in half. Make one to give the user the ability to create the energy, and one to give the user the ability to control it. The mental strain was now manageable, but there were a whole new set of problems. Mainly the issue that it required instantaneous communication, or the creator would generate too much energy before the controller even realized it, and they would both end up dead.” The files of deceased patients were appearing in pairs now. “They started with strangers, then couples, siblings, twins; all with better performance, but still resulting in the explosive death of both subjects.” She briefly showed a black and white photograph on the screen, two charred corpses; one with missing limbs. She then flipped to another side-by-side file, of identical twin sisters. These were the first ones not marked deceased. “This is Emily Annabelle Lee Carmichael on the left, and Edna Lenore Carmichael on the right. Although you wouldn’t know that from these files... they only refer to them as ‘Left Twin’ and ‘Right Twin’.”

“Isn’t left and right a weird way to identify them?” Sam asked. Natasha gave him a light smile.

“That’s what I thought too, that is why I looked deeper.” She changed the screen to a page from a medical journal. There was a black and white photo of twins conjoined at the head, smiling into the camera in front of a backdrop of grass, trees, and sky. Natasha looked back to Wanda.

Wanda began to speak, looking at the picture of the twins, “This is what they were like before Hydra got to them. They erased every other record of their existence, no medical records or birth certificates or anything. They must have not even known about this article. It was only available in print up until a few years ago, when the journal’s archives were put on the internet for researchers. From the article we know that they were born in 1944 to Clarice and Jesse Carmichael of Welch, West Virginia. They were their parents’ miracle.” Natasha changed the screen to a side by side of the picture from the article, and the pictures from the Hydra files. Steve looked at the photos, they were definitely the same girls, just older, and with hollow, pained eyes,  _ Just like the one in Bucky’s file.  _ Wanda continued speaking, “To say that these girls were a medical marvel is a vast understatement. Conjoined twins are very rare, conjoined at the head is even rarer, and at this period of time, the idea of them living a full life was unlikely. That isn’t even the special part, most twins conjoined in this way are just conjoined at the skull, with the brains often sharing a blood supply, and they usually have some sort of mental deficiency.”

“I am gonna guess this was not the case with these girls.” Steve leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms across his chest.

“You are correct. Their brains were actually  _ connected _ . They shared neural pathways. They were two very different people that could function as one, and not only that, but they weren’t mentally deficient, they were mentally  _ gifted.  _ In this photo they were eleven years old, and they had already graduated highschool, top of their class. Emily had been accepted to study Mathematics at MIT, and Edna could play guitar and piano on a professional level by ear, and some of her paintings are really beautiful. They were the perfect candidates for Hydra’s experiments.”

“Is this like the whole left-brain, right-brain, thing?” Sam asked, leaning forward, putting his elbow on the table, and his chin in his hand.

Natasha raised her eyebrows slightly, “Yes, actually a lot of the data supporting that theory comes from these two, it discusses that in the article.”

“Wait what are we talking about?” Steve piped up, looking between Sam and Natasha.

“The theory that the two sides of your brain control different things, and people usually have a dominant side. The roughest summary is the left side of the brain is intellectual, and the right is creative.” Sam answers, “You gotta learn basic psychology when you run a support group.” Steve nods.

Natasha fakes a cough, “And now back to the point of this presentation, these girls.” She changes the screen to the information in the files. “Here is where things get a little fuzzy, but they also get interesting. The files begin in 1960, so we are thinking that is when they were picked up by Hydra. Both Edna and Emily went into the same mind control program that Barnes was in after they were separated and given the serum.” Natasha sees Steve open his mouth and holds up a finger, “The record of cryo freezes and unfreezes seems normal for Hydra assets up until late 1962, when Edna receives a procedure listed only as ‘Mechanical Replacement’, after that Emily is unfrozen much less that Edna. And the amount of ‘Disciplinary Infractions’ that Edna received had increased exponentially. There is a note in the file that mentions doubting the mind control’s effectiveness. It mentions the memory wipes not working completely, and the trigger words having to be said several times before working, and eventually not working at all. Then in 2000, they are both unfrozen and the file lists an ‘incident’. Then in 2005, it lists a ‘capture’ and they are both refrozen.”

Steve looks between Wanda and Natasha for a few moments, before realizing what they are implying, and what this meeting was really about. “They know how to break the mind control.” His voice is quiet. Hopeful.

“It would appear so.” Natasha replies.

“They might know how we can help Bucky. That is why you only called me and Sam in here. Do you know anything about where to find them?”

“I got some intel from one of my contacts that there is a Hydra cryo facility in Brazil, there is a good chance that is where they are keeping them.”

“Wait, how do we even know this will work? Or that we can trust these twins at all? For all we know they are even worse off than Barnes.” Sam stated, looking at Steve, trying to reign in his raging hope.

“Well, we do have a little more information about what they are like.” Wanda hesitantly pipes up, and Steve and Sam look at her expectantly. “When we ran them through SHIELD’s facial recognition software and found the article, we also found a video.”

Natasha pulls up a grainy video onto the screen, “This is from 2005, which is when their file says they were re-captured by Hydra. We think this video is how Hydra found them after five years.” The title of the video appears ‘When open mic night goes RIGHT!!!’ and then the video begins, out of focus and shaky at first, but it clears up a bit. Natasha skips to somewhere in the middle of the video. It is a girl on a small stage, in what appears to be a bar; an acoustic guitar hanging in front of her.  She is wearing a short black dress, black tights, and combat boots, and opera gloves?  _ Well she did grow up in the 50’s _ . The shiny, long black gloves briefly make him think of going to Expos with Bucky back in the 40’s, but he pushes those thoughts away, focusing on the girl. Her graceful fingers sliding over the strings and frets,  _ She is left handed.  _ Her strawberry blonde hair is long, and bits of it are getting into her face as she sings into the microphone. He can’t help but notice that she is beautiful, the Hydra mugshot doesn’t do her justice. She sways on the stage, leaning into some words more than others, and then he really starts to pay attention to the words she is singing.

 

” _ Honey if you fall / Don't expect me to save you / You should know me better than that. _

_ They say it's a fact / I made you from a rib outta my chest / And when you break I'll take the blame. _

_ Maybe that's that / I'm too lazy to try to get you back baby / You're gone and I'm still the same. _ ”

Her voice is amazing, it’s soothing, but you can hear the pain underneath the pleasant notes, and it makes the song that much more moving. She sometimes looks down at people in the crowd, and lightly smiles, but mostly just stares into the distance,  _ She is probably thinkin’ about whatever guy she wrote this about. _

 

“ _ You've heard it all before / I'm the kind of girl who keeps one foot outside the door. _

_ Did you really think I'd stay? / Nothing like a good thing going the wrong way. _

_ I never loved you / The way I wanted to. _

_ I never loved you” _

Natasha pauses the video. “She performs six other songs in this video, most of them are really sad lyrics-wise, however, the fact that she can express her emotions through music in front of a room of strangers leads me to believe she is more emotionally stable than Bucky is.” She looks at Steve, “No offense.” He shrugs. “Also, there is an entire website dedicated to her now. Some of the more avid fans of this video have tried to figure out who she is, and why she disappeared. From looking around the forums on the website, I have determined that nobody really seems to know much about her. People from the bar have mentioned that she was a regular there, usually singing covers of songs rather than originals, one person said they lived in the same apartment building, and that ‘she and her sister were nice people’. That is about all we know about either of them”

“So we are going to go save an explosive starving musician and her genius sister from Hydra in the off chance that they can fix Bucky’s brain?” Sam asked, in his signature sarcastic tone.

“If there is a chance they can help Bucky, we have to try” Steve turned to Natasha, “I want to wake Bucky up and tell him we have a lead. When can we leave?”

“Are you sure you should wake him up? We aren’t even sure this will work, and even though we could use the help, is him storming into a Hydra base really a good idea?” Wanda asked, concerned.

“I think he would want to hear that we had an idea, and he would want to help us in any way he could. He wouldn’t want us risking our lives for him if he couldn’t risk his too.” Steve replied.

“If that is what you think is best, I have the quinjet reserved for a personal assignment, so whenever you and Barnes are ready, we can head out.” Natasha stated, turning off her tablet, making the screen go black.

“Are you in on this, Sam?” Steve turned towards his friend,

“You know I am, even if it is a stupid plan.” Sam replied, and Steve gave an apologetic smile,

“Wanda. Natasha. I cannot thank you enough for this. You have no idea how much it means to me. And to Bucky.” They both smiled and nodded, as the four of them left the conference room to prepare for the new mission at hand.

~~~~~

_ (Sucker – Queen Kwong) _


	2. Through Glass

_ "I'm looking at you through the glass. Don't know how much time has passed. All I know is that it feels like forever. No-one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head." -Stone Sour _

* * *

 

_ Len, wake up!  _ Lee’s voice screams through her mind, and she wakes with a jolt, pulling the headphones out of her ears, but hearing nothing.  _ ‘Don’t sit up, they are watching us.’  _ Lenore turns her head to the wall of the bedroom, as if she could see Lee on the other side. ‘ _ Hydra?’ _

_ ‘Yeah. Not as many as I expected though. And they aren’t so much trying to figure out how to kill us, or how to capture us…they are figuring out how to get in to talk to us without us using our powers and ending the conversation before it begins.’ _

_ ‘That is weird right?’ _

_ ‘Yeah. Very. I can usually get more than this. I think they figured out what I could really do while we have been gone and sent their agents with the strongest minds. I don’t see a way out of this that doesn’t end in the whole apartment smelling like gunpowder and burnt flesh. You wanna just listen to them and then decide who we kill first?’ _

_ ‘Yeah, send their leader a message. I’ll get ready for a fight.’  _ Len reaches over to the side table, grabbing her gloves and swiftly sliding the black satin up her arms, first the left, feeling the chill of the cold fabric on her skin, then the right, feeling nothing. She sits up on the bed and puts her feet in her boots, zipping them both up at once and grabbing her Smith & Wesson 1911 pistol from under her pillow. She takes one last look around her bedroom, briefly wondering if it will be the last time she sees it, and heads into the hall, eyes meeting Lee’s.

“They are almost here. Boss man was a little surprised to hear my voice inside his head.”

Lenore smiled, “I can see how that would be unnerving. You ready for this?”

Lee gave a solemn smile, “Well we knew they would find us eventually. And we don’t really have a choice.”

Lenore reaches out and grabs her sister’s hand in her own, squeezing lightly. Then a knock at the door. They walk down the hall until they are standing a few feet in front of the entry door. They both brace for a fight, and Lenore raises her pistol, ready to fire. Lenore glances over at Lee, ‘ _ You wanna let them in?’  _ Without an answer or movement the deadbolt is undone, and the doorknob twists, the door slowly opening. Standing in the doorway is an average man, dark hair, dark eyes, and a black suit. His hands are raised in front of him, but two tactical agents with their rifles aimed at the girls stand on his flanks. He slowly steps into the room.

The man begins to softly speak Russian, “Hopeless. Crumbling. Autumn. Sun-“

Lenore cuts him off, “Don’t bother. That doesn’t work on me anymore, you Nazi piece of shit.” He ignores her and continues.

“Sunset. Ocean breeze. Malicious. Beautiful. Colors. Music Box.” He stares into her eyes expectantly.

“You feel better now that you finished?” She quips. “It didn’t work when you were subliminally slipping it into ads on the radio and television, but you think it will work in person?”

He smiles a twisted smirk, “Well it was worth a shot now, wasn’t it Edna? Or do you prefer Lenore?” His voice is low, slowly enunciating every syllable carefully.

“I prefer you shut the hell up, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen, so just use whatever makes your sick little soul happy.” A small smirk drifts across her lips.

“Edna it is. Well, Edna. Here is what is going to happen, you and your sister are going to come back with us peacefully, and nobody gets hurt.”

She raised an eyebrow and chuckled softly, “Really? You are playing that card? You can’t threaten me to make my sister cooperate, and your mind control can’t make me  _ comply  _ anymore.” She smiles darkly, showing her teeth slightly. “You have nothing that can overpower us. We are going to rip you and your men to pieces, and then turn your bleeding corpses into fucking  _ dust.  _ You have nothing to hold over us anymore.”

He licks his lips lightly, “See, that is where you are wrong. We  _ do  _ have something over you…” He pauses, stepping forward slightly, and Len cocks her gun. “When you escaped we learned something… You have a weakness just like your sister did,” He glances over to Lee standing perfectly still beside Lenore, and slowly reaches into his pocket, pulling out a black face mask and goggles. “You forget we still have  _ him”  _ Len looks at the mask dangling from the man’s fingers.  _ His mask.  _ “You have feelings for him.”

“I don’t feel  _ anything _ . Isn’t that the point of what you did to me?” She replies, feeling her mouth getting dry. “Even if I did, he is your most prized possession, you would never kill him just to get us back.”

“Who said anything about killing him?” his smirk spreads to a wide, evil smile. “You see, for every man you kill while we try to get you back, we are going to give him a day in  _ The Box. _ ” Len tries not to show a reaction, but she feels her eyes get wider, and she knows he saw it. “I know you are very familiar with the Box, but the Soldier has never had that pleasure.” He steps forward, and Lenore tightens her finger on the trigger. “Go ahead. Kill me. Who are you to deprive him of the opportunity to see the Box? Don’t you want him to share that experience? I have heard it is a fate worse than death, would you say that is accurate?”

“Fuck you…” is all she can get out. She can feel her finger shaking against the trigger. Her mind flashes to  _ him _ , his sad eyes as he begs her not to leave. His soft lips against hers. The regret of leaving him behind to save herself. And to her own memories of the Box... Pain. Nothing but the pain and the sound of her own screaming. Screaming until her throat bled. Wanting to rip off her own skin; anything to stop the  _ pain. _

_ ‘Lenore. It’s okay. I know how much you regret leaving him. I know how much you will hate yourself if he is in more pain because of you. I know what the Box is like from your memories. Nobody deserves that. If they wanted us dead, they would have already killed us. We are too big of an investment. They probably just want to put us under until they think they can control us again. It is okay. We will find a way out of it. We always do.’ _

_ ‘He almost broke their control that day. Maybe he can do it again. Get away… Maybe he can come back for us, like I wanted to do for him. _

_ ‘Maybe he will. But we can’t count on that. We will take the deal now, but then we have to figure out our own way out.’ _

_ ‘I get the feeling it won’t be so easy a second time.’ _

_ ‘I know.’ _

The man interrupts the silence, “Well, have you thought it over? Come to a decision?”

Len swallows hard, “Yes.” Lowering her gun.

The man’s smile grows; a large toothy grin, “C’mon Edna. Let me hear you say the words.”

She almost growls. “Ready to… _ comply _ ” hatred dripping from the words. The two armed men rush in the door, knocking the twins to the ground, and forcefully flipping them to their stomachs to put handcuffs on their wrists. Lenore looks over at Lee, ‘ _ I am so sorry.’ _

_ ‘Me too’ _

* * *

 

His senses start to return, first the warmth of the air on his skin and the light weight of the sheets on his body, then the sound of voices in the room, calmly speaking. No yelling.  _ No pain.  _ He opens his eyes, taking a moment to adjust to the brightness of the room, to his right someone appears in his field of vision. He jerks away.

“Hey, Hey, it’s okay. It’s just me. Steve.” Bucky blinks several times, bringing him into focus.  _ Steve.  _ His memories rush back. Schoolyard fights. The war. His capture. All of it.

“Steve? Why did you wake me up?” He sits up on the bed turning towards Steve, putting his weight on his arms.  _ His arm.  _ He turns to look at his left arm and sees that his metal appendage is back, “When did this happen?” He asks, moving his metal fingers around, testing the feel and movement of his new arm.

“After everyone cooled off Tony felt a little bad for breaking it, and he designed you a new one. The technicians in Wakanda installed it not too long after you went under. We are still keeping a low profile though.”

“How long have I been under? Did you find a way to fix me?”

“It’s been over a year. Its 2017 now. And we have a lead. Twins that were in the same mind control program as you were. They broke it, Bucky. They made it out.”

“Where are they now?”

“They were…uh…recaptured and re-frozen by Hydra. We have to go bust them out.”

“See? There is always a fight.” He smirks.

“I can fill you in on the details while we suit up.” Bucky nods and lifts himself off the bed and onto the ground next to Steve. Steve claps him on the shoulder and smiles. Bucky returns the smile, but softer.  _ I hope this works. I don’t want him to have gotten his hopes up for nothing. _

* * *

 

The group of five stands at the single entry door to the bunker, the hot rain beating down on their backs, “Everyone ready for this? Remember: Natasha and Bucky, you disable the security and find the girls, Sam and Wanda, you are with me, clearing the place of any hostiles.” Steve briefs the group, raising his shield. “Wanda, you are up.” Red energy surrounds the blast door, ripping it from the hinges. And the two units rush in, Steve bouncing his shield off the wall and into the faces of two Hydra agents just past the entryway. “Now split! Keep in radio contact.”

“Will do Cap.” Natasha responds, turning into a hallway, and putting a bullet into the throat of a nearby agent. Bucky fast on her heels, covering her back with his assault rifle. They fight their way down the hallway, eventually coming to a large room. Natasha and Bucky simultaneously fire at the two agents at the computers. “This is the control room, their guards probably already heard the commotion and went into the hall already.” Natasha pushes the bodies of the two men out of the chairs at the command station and begins hacking the system, turning off the alarms, copying any files available onto a flashdrive. Bucky stands at the door, silently watching for any hostile forces. “Okay, I have everything, and I know where the cryo room is.” Bucky nods at her, stepping back out into the hallway, and taking out an agent coming towards them. Natasha comes out behind him. “This way.” They bust down a locked door near the end of the hall and proceed down another hallway, smaller, darker. No doors until the very end. “This is it.” It is a thick blast door with a keypad on the wall. She plugs some sort of device into the pad and the door pops open. There is no one in the room, just a computer and files on a small desk, stationed in front of a large glass divider next to a heavy blast door. They step inside and look through the glass. A single cryo pod is inside.

“There is only one.” Bucky states.

Natasha begins flipping through the files on the desk, “Yeah. It mentions in this file that they had to be kept separated after an incident. It doesn’t say where the other girl is.”

“Which one is this? The telepath or the bomb?”

“The bomb.”

“Great.” Bucky replies with a sigh.

Natasha begins typing on the computer, “I am defrosting her. Be ready for whatever might happen.” She watches the girls vital signs on the monitor, seeing her body temperature raise slowly, and her heartbeat and brainwaves return. Suddenly, her temperature begins rising exponentially, quickly shooting past normal human temperatures. “Shit! She is heating up! Fast! We have to get out of here!” But before she could even finish her warning Bucky was busting through the door of the cryo room, running towards the pod. “That is not a good idea! Dammit!” Natasha calls out, but is ignored. When Bucky gets near the pod, a hot metal fist bursts through the frost covered window, glass flying through the small room.

A moment later a slender woman comes leaping out of the hole, and the fist comes flying at Bucky, He acts on instinct, grabbing her metal fist in his own metal hand, He can feel the heat of her arm transferring into his, and the heat radiating onto his face. “Wait, stop, listen to me, I-“ He is interrupted by another fist coming in fast, he grabs it in his other hand, but before he can use the fact that he has both of her arms to overpower her, he is met with a knee to the chest, knocking him to the ground. He lets go of her hands to try to right himself. She snatches the knife from his hip on the way to the ground, and they land. Her right hand holding down his left; metal on metal. Her knee on his flesh arm, and a knife pressed against his throat. Her face hovering over his. His blue eyes looking into her bright green ones, and for a moment he gets a feeling of dejavu, like he knows this girl.  _ But that isn’t possible. I have my memories back…Don’t I? _

She interrupts his thoughts, “You really shouldn’t keep your knives in the same place all the time. Makes this even easier for me.” She presses the knife harder against his throat.

“I’m not with Hydra. I am not here to hurt you” He chokes out, making the blade of the knife cut into his skin slightly, drawing a bit of blood.

She squints slightly, peering deep into his eyes. “It’s… _ you.  _ The real you…” She pulls the knife away from his throat a few inches, but keeps it at attention.

“Do…do we know each other?” He looks at not just her eyes, but her entire face. He never thought he could find someone holding his own knife to his throat so beautiful. Her tousled blonde hair falling around her face. Her bright green eyes. Her pink lips.  _ Her lips, why do they seem so familiar…? _

His thoughts are interrupted by a sound beside them, and they both turn their heads to see someone entering the doorway. Steve, with his hands raised in front of him. “Please, put the knife down. We are not here to hurt you. We are here to rescue you.”

She cocks an eyebrow in disbelief, “Are you Captain-fucking-America?” Bucky chuckles underneath her, and she returns her eyes to him, giving him a look he doesn’t recognize.

“Yeah he is, he doesn’t like that kind of language though.” Bucky replies, smiling. Feeling strangely at ease for a man with a knife inches away from major arteries. She squints again, a smile ghosting across her face.  _ Her eyes are even brighter when she smiles. _

She lifts off of Bucky quickly. “Well, I’ll be damned.” She twirls the knife and slides it into a pocket on her belt, “I am keeping this though.” She looks at the man dressed in the stars and stripes, “Aren’t you supposed to be dead?”

Steve lowers his hands feeling like the situation has diffused some. “I was frozen in the arctic for 70 years. It’s kind of a long story.”

“No, I get being frozen.” She extends a thumb over her shoulder to the broken remains of the cryo pod, “So why is Captain America here to save lil’ ole’ me?”

Steve looks over at Bucky who is on his feet again, and coming to stand beside Steve, in front of the girl. “For him.”

“I don’t think we got off on the right foot. I’m Bucky. Pleasure to meet you ma’am.” Bucky extends his hand to her. She chuckles softly, and lowers her face to look at the floor, shaking her head lightly, “What’s so funny?” He asks, half expecting a joke about his name.

She turns back up to look at his face, “It’s just…” A smile drifts onto her face, “We have met, for the first time, over fifty times now, and this is the first time we have been able to exchange names.” She extends her metal hand to his and shakes it, “I’m Lenore. Nice to meet you…Bucky.” She replies slowly, her voice slowly testing out his name. He loves the way it sounds.

Steve pipes up, “I thought your name was Edna?”

Lenore laughs, “Lenore is my middle name. Most people call me Len for short. I never liked being called Edna. I respect the namesake, but it just doesn’t suit me.”

“Namesake?” Bucky asks.

“Mama was an English teacher. Both me and my sister were named after a female poet and an Edgar Allen Poe poem. Edna St. Vincent Millay and Lenore for me. Emily Dickinson and Annabelle Lee for my sister…” Her voice drifts off at the end. He notices her southern accent got thicker when she started talking about her past.

Bucky knows what she is wondering, “We haven’t found your sister yet. We thought you would both be here.”

Steve looks at Bucky, thinking about how this is the most he has spoken since he found him. Then directs his gaze back to Lenore, “Do you know where she might be?”

“No…” Lenore pauses, seemingly thinking. “But she is far away, I can’t feel her.”

“Are you sure she’s not…” Steve catches himself before he says the word.

“If she were dead, I would definitely feel it.” She pauses, narrowing her eyes “Who the hell is in my head?” She looks through the glass, seeing nothing on the other side, but knowing people are there. She brushes past Steve and Bucky to go into the main room, with Natasha, Sam, and Wanda. Steve and Bucky follow. Lenore looks at Wanda.  _ ‘You aren’t used to people knowing you are there are you?’  _ Wanda shakes her head. ‘ _ I have never met another telepath other than my sister… Anything you want to know, you can just ask.’  _ Wanda nods.

“You mind sharing with the class?” Sam quips. “I thought she was the explosive one not the crazy mind powers one.”

The group looks at Sam, worried he upset the nuclear bomb standing in their midst, but to their surprise Lenore laughs. “I like him. He’s not scared of me.” She smiles at Sam. “To share with the class -as this guy so eloquently put- I am not nearly as good at my sister, but I am very perceptive to things. I can feel when someone is in my head. Sometimes I can pick up on other people’s feelings if they are strong enough. But for the most part, I am just strong and ‘ _ explosive _ ’” she made air quotes with her fingers. “I am sure you all have a ton of questions, but I would like to get out of this Hydra hell as quickly as I can, so can we go back to your plane or whatever and do the Q&A there? I promise I won’t hurt anyone or anything. Ya’ll have been nothing but nice to me.” She looks at Bucky. “Sorry about your neck. But in my defense, the last time we saw each other, you tried to kill me.” He shrugs in response. Wishing he could remember that, or anything about her.

“That sounds like a good plan.” Natasha replies, and the six of them make their way out of the Hydra bunker, stepping over the bodies littered through the halls.

 


	3. Wicked Game

_ "The world was on fire, and no-one could save me but you. Strange what desire will make foolish people do. I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you. I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you." -Chris Isaak _

 

Lee can feel her crying before she is even at the same block as the apartment. Her sister’s sadness mingling with the constant chatter in her head. She tries to push it out, give Lenore her privacy, but the sadness is too strong… _It’s always too strong…always the same._ She heads up the stairs, unlocking the door with her mind, because floating groceries usually attracted more attention. She steps inside to see a sight she sees every few days. Lenore sitting on the floor in the corner of the main room, her elbows on her knees and hands over her face, sobbing to herself. Surrounded by sketches and paintings….sketches of blood. Of guns. Of doctors. Of the people she killed. The pain she felt. The things she regrets. Mostly pictures of _him._ His eyes. Sketches somehow portraying the sadness she remembers in them. Handwritten sheet music thrown in the mix, lyrics of regret and sorrow scribbled down. The ripped spots in the paper where her tears weakened it and the pen went through.

“Don’t say a Goddamn word.” Lenore sobs, hearing Lee enter the apartment.

“Wasn’t going to.” Lee sits the groceries down on the kitchen counter.

“You don’t have to. I can feel your pity. I don’t need it. I don’t want it!”

“It’s not pity. It’s concern. It’s love.” Lee says, not looking towards Lenore, but putting the groceries away.

“I don’t deserve it.”

“The pain?”

“The love...”

Lee closes the fridge, abandoning the groceries and returning to her sister, scooting the papers away and kneeling amongst them. “Len… you know there is nothing we could do for him. You did what you had to do… you didn’t have a choice.”

Lenore removes her hands from her face, and grips her knees. “Yes I did, I could have saved him! He was just standing there, Lee, I could have easily knocked him out and escaped him with too.”

“And then what? We have covered this, he wouldn’t let me in his mind, he would have been our prisoner. It would have never worked. It was hopeless, Lenore.”

“I could have tried! I should have tried!” Lenore begins to cry again. “He begged me to stay, and I just left him there! Left him alone with  _ them _ !”

“You can’t blame yourself. You made the right choice.”

“I made the selfish choice! I chose the guarantee of my freedom over the chance for his. That choice is all on me. The first choice of my freedom, and I chose to be selfish. All the blood on my hands, I was forced to do that. But his pain? That is all on me. I don’t deserve freedom. I don’t deserve love.” She stands up, smoothing her dress and grabbing her gloves and guitar from the table.

“Where are you going?”

“I need someone to hear me, Lee.” She looks over her shoulder at her. “Someone who isn’t already in my head.” She slides her gloves on, and slings the guitar case over her shoulder as she heads out of the door.

Lee picks up one of the pictures of  _ him.  _ Rubbing her fingers over the teardrops smearing the ink.  _ I wish you knew how much she rips herself apart over you. How much she loves you. I wish you could tell her you don’t blame her. I wish you could convince her not to hate herself, that she is worthy of love. Lord knows I have tried. She won’t listen to me. Maybe she would listen to you. I hate having to be the strong one. _

* * *

 

Back in the jet, Natasha sets the autopilot to their base back in the states. “I set the flight path to take us back to the base, maybe these files I took from the base can give us a lead on where to find Emily. But it will take me a little while to sort through them all.” Natasha says, exiting the cockpit and returning to the rest of the group in the main part of the jet.

Lenore looks at the hodge-podge group of people sitting around her. Including  _ him. His name is Bucky …of all the names I imagined for him… that wasn’t one of them.  _ She looks over to Captain America.  _ Damn, still can’t get used to that.  _ He looks like he has a thousand questions floating around his mind. She smiles. “Go ahead and ask me anything you want. I’ll let you know if you hit a subject I don’t wanna talk about.” She puts her arms behind her head and leans back in her seat.

Steve asks the most important question first, “Can you fix Bucky’s mind?”

“I can’t, but Lee should be able to. Once the first wall is down, and he wants to remember, she will be able to go in and help him break down the walls that Hydra put in his mind.”

“The first wall?” Steve asks, leaning forward.

“That’s what Lee called it. It’s basically like Hydra put so many things into the brain by force, the brain puts up a wall to try to defend itself from further damage. The person has to  _ invite  _ Lee into their mind to remove the Hydra bullshit.” She sees Steve twitch slightly, “Sorry, I curse. You’ll just have to get used to it.” She smiles. “But anyways, the easiest way to break that wall is through the subconscious. Hydra can’t block that. They may block the memory of someone, but they can’t block feelings. Someone you knew before; you are going to still feel like you know them, but have no idea why.” She looks over at Bucky, “So who broke through?”

Bucky looks up, “Steve. He was my best friend…before…” Lenore gives a sympathetic smile.

“I got lucky. The person who could fix me was also the closest person to me. I didn’t have to let her in, she was already there because of our connection.”

“If the first wall wasn’t a problem for you, how do you know all of this? Has she fixed someone else?” Steve asks.

“No. She hasn’t fixed anyone. But we sure as hell tried.” She steals a glance at Bucky.  _ I begged her to try. We tried like hell to save you too. _

“I thought I remembered everything. I remembered my past…my…assignments.” Bucky leans forward, elbows on his knees.

“You don’t remember all of them. Some memories are blocked better than others. The dangerous or the emotionally damaging, and the programming for all the triggers. Those are the hardest to access.”

“Is that why I don’t remember you?” Bucky asks, his blue eyes piercing into her.

She feels her stomach fluttering.  _ Stay cool, Goddamnit.  _ “Yeah, They probably wanted to make sure the incident that happened when I escaped didn’t happen again. Made sure your memories of me were buried deep.”

“What incident?” Steve asks before Bucky can respond.

Lenore looks over at Steve, partially grateful she can break the agonizing eye-contact with Bucky for this. “He let me live… Let me escape. He had orders to subdue me or kill me, and he didn’t. He fought his programming for long enough for me to get away with my sister. Hydra didn’t like that I am sure.” She can feel Bucky’s eyes on her, but she can’t bring herself to look at him. Until he forces her to.

“What will it be like?” Bucky asks, and she knows he is asking if taking it out is going to hurt as much as when it went in.

She sighs, “I wish I could tell you it will be rainbows and butterflies, but that would be a lie. The process won’t hurt. But the memories will. As bad as you think the ones you have are, the ones they suppressed are worse. But…after it is all unlocked, they no longer have any control over you. You don’t have to fear hearing a string of ten words and losing yourself anymore.” Bucky nods almost imperceptibly and looks at the ground.

Lenore looks at Sam who seems to be in a mental debate with himself. She raises an eyebrow, inviting his question.

“Can I ask about the arm?” Sam asks, rather quickly.

“Sure.” She lifts her right arm, showing the room her metal prosthetic, stopping just below the elbow. “It’s basically the same thing as …Bucky’s…sorry, still not used to you not just being  _ Soldat _ ” She pauses, gauging his reaction, but there isn’t any reaction. “Except I don’t get the whole arm. As for how it happened…well. Not long after we were taken, my sister underestimated the mind control… Tried to get through to me, rather publicly. As a way for Hydra to get her to comply, they showed her what would happen if she didn’t cooperate. They made me use my full power without her. Without her controlling the energy, I quickly lost track of how much matter I was burning. Ended up vaporizing my lower arm rather than just body fat. Russia was more than happy to claim the resulting explosion as a nuclear weapons test, and I got a new heat resistant arm.”

“Wait, was this 1962?” Natasha chimes in.

“Yup. You know your history.” Lenore smiles.

“Tsar Bomba was you?” Natasha replies, and Lenore nods. “Tsar Bomba was  _ thought  _ to be the largest nuclear weapons test in human history.” Natasha explains for the confused faces about the room.

“And that was just half my arm…” Lenore sighs, waiting for them to realize the monster she is.

“How does your power work, exactly? You mentioned burning body fat and you lost me.” Sam asks, jumping back into the conversation.

Lenore chuckles, “Well I take matter, and convert it into its constituent energy waves. I can vary the wave’s energy from infrared up to gamma rays. Infrared, or heat, is all I can use without Lee, because I can center it in my metal arm and it just conducts through it. Organic matter is the easiest to break down, I guess because it’s easiest to use my own body as fuel. Hell, at first I didn’t even know I was burning my own fat, until I burned my own arm off, and then the always being hungry made it all make sense.”

“Do you think that is how mine works?” Wanda asked, looking at Lenore. “I was…enhanced in a Hydra program that was a spin off from yours. That is how we found out about you.”

“Could be. You probably wouldn’t even realize you are doing it.” She pauses, “So you are like me?”

“Kind of. I think I am a mix of you and your sister. I generate and control red energy, and I can mess with minds.”

“Just red?” Lenore inquires, and Wanda nods. “They probably lowered the strength of the serum, so that it could be handled by one person. You and I should talk about this more later.” Lenore gives Wanda a large grin, and she returns it.

“You were free for five years, if the two of you are so powerful together, how did Hydra re-capture you?” Sam comes in, always asking the tricky questions.

_ Shit, shit, fuck.  _ “It wasn’t a fair fight… they threatened someone.” Lenore manages to reply, trying not to let her nervousness seep into her words.

“Someone you care about?” Natasha asks, looking for a response.

“It doesn’t matter. Just that they had someone and they threatened to hurt him even more.” Lenore refuses to look in the direction of Bucky, keeping her eyes on Natasha, and she knows she has given her more information than she would like, “ _ This  _ is a subject I am not interested in talking about.” She stands up, “Is there any food around here? I haven’t eaten anything in…” She looks around. “What year is it?”

“2017” Steve answers.

“Twelve years.”

“There are rations in the crate in the back, I will get you something.” Steve replies, standing up to walk with her to the back of the jet. “Listen, I am sorry about that. We didn’t mean to upset you. Natasha shouldn’t have pushed. You are here as our guest, here to help out my best friend, and I am going to do my best to make you feel welcome.” He grabs some rations, adding the water and putting them in the re-hydrator.

“I would still be in a Hydra freezer if it weren’t for you, and I owe Bucky my life several times over. You don’t owe me anything.” Lenore responds, just as the re-hydrator dings.

“So you really did know Bucky?” Steve asks, removing the food and sitting it on the nearby table with a bottle of water. He then sits at the table across from the food, and Lenore joins him, beginning to eat.

“Yeah. I mean…Kind of. I don’t know him like you do… I didn’t know him before… I knew him during. It was always like, we were in it together… it’s… complicated…” She looks towards the front of the jet, seeing Bucky still in his seat, unmoving. “Especially since he doesn’t seem to remember me at all.”

“I thought you said the feeling of knowing someone doesn’t go away?” Steve asks.

“Yeah. Exactly. So I must not have made a big impression”  _ It means that it was all one sided. It wasn’t that he couldn’t kiss me back… but that he didn’t want to.  _ She takes a bite of her food, trying not to let herself get emotional on this cramped plane in front of everyone…in front of  _ him. _

“I don’t know…He seemed pretty comfortable around you back at the base. And when I first saw him after Hydra, he just…looked right through me. So I know how you feel. But when we find your sister, and she helps him get everything back. Then he will remember everything that you do.”

Lenore softly smiles.  _ That is exactly what I am afraid of. _


	4. May Flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work contains rape/non-con. This chapter is why. Trigger warning.

_ "With my face against the floor, I can't see who knocked me out of the way. I don't want to get back up, but I have to, so it might as well be today." -Slipknot _

 

They laugh as they shove her down onto the rough, wet, concrete floor. She feels the skin on her knees rip, noticing the contrast of her blood against the cold of the ground. She can’t tell how many there are through her blindfold, and the reverberation around the small room makes it hard to count their feet. She hears the door close behind them. She hears the deadbolt turn. She knows what is coming. They already took her clothes…her dignity…but it is never enough. One of the men pulls her bound arms above her head while another sits on top of her, straddling her hips with his own, she struggles, but he punches her in the face before pulling off her blindfold. She feels her nose break, blood running down her throat and into her mouth, but looks up at the man in stern defiance.

The man laughs and turns to his friend. ”See, I told you she would be better now. Look at that attitude.” She fights to lean up and spit her blood into the man’s face. He smacks her again, and the man holding her arms pulls her back to the ground, hard. She glances around, taking a count of the men around her, one holding her feet, one at her arms, one on her hips, and one just watching. He growls, wiping the blood and saliva off his face. He bends over her roughly grabbing her jaw and pulling her face to look at him, “Now, listen you little bitch… That deal you made still stands. You don’t cooperate and that boyfriend of yours gets put in the Box for a while.”

“Fuck you.” She spits, trying to hold on to any bit of dignity she had left. She remembers these men from before… and men like them. Before they could just say a few words, and make her comply. Lifeless. Emotionless. A shell. Now that she was herself, if she didn’t fight, how could she respect herself again? But if she fought, he would pay the price.  _ I can’t win. _

“That is the idea.” He and his friends laugh. “Oh I almost forgot –“ He reaches out to his friend who hands him something. A mask.  _ His mask.  _ “See now you can just pretend we are him, and enjoy it as much as we will.” More laughter. He slips the mask on his face, and forces her legs apart to push himself between them, unzipping his pants.

“Take it off! Fucking take it off!” She screams, “Fuck you, you son of a bi-“ He slaps his hand over her mouth, digging his dirty fingernails into her cheek, drawing blood.

“Calm down, and enjoy it.” He whispers, his masked face hovering over hers. “This is the closest to the real thing you are ever going to get.” He forces himself into her quickly, she feels herself rip and bites her own cheek to keep from sobbing into his hand,  _ I am not going to give him the satisfaction.  _ She stares past his face, up at the stone ceiling above her. Watching the moisture condense and drip down to the ground. She feels him pounding into her, the pain lessening the more she bleeds.  _ Gotta block it out. Gotta take my mind somewhere else.  _ She sings in her mind the first song that she thinks of.  _ Drip, drip, drop, little April shower, beating a tune as you fall all around…. _

Her blood begins to work its way down her thighs. He laughs. His friends cheer. She hears the sounds of them rubbing themselves through their pants, getting excited for their turn.  _ Drip, drip, drop little April shower, what can compare with your beautiful sound. Beautiful sound…Beautiful sound. Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. _

He is done, he pulls the mask off, winking at her before handing the mask to the man who was previously holding her feet.  _ Drip, drip, drop, when the sky is cloudy, your pretty music will brighten the day. _

He crawls on top of her. He slides the mask on over his beard. He grips her throat in his hand, squeezing until he hears the sounds of her choking, when he lightens his grip, and she gasps, he pushes his way into her. It stings.  _ Drip, drip, drop, when the sky is cloudy, you come along with a song right away. Come with your beautiful music. _

The cycle continues. He finishes with her, and then hands the mask to the next in line. Some choke. Some squeeze her breasts ‘til they bruise…  _ Drip, drip, drop, little April shower, beating a tune as you fall all around. _

A dirty drop of water lands on her face while the last one has his fun…it brings her attention up to his face. His eyes are a similar steel blue. Then her tears start to fall, and the room laughs.  _ Drip, drip, drop, little April shower, what can compare with your beautiful sound… _

She watches the water fall from the ceiling, barely noticing when he gets off of her, and they all exit the room. Leaving her alone, laying in a puddle of her own blood and their semen.  _ Drip, drip, drop, when the sky is cloudy, you come along with your pretty little song. _

The door opens, and another man stands in the doorway with a hose. The ice-cold water covers her body, making her jolt up and shiver. But removes all traces of the past events as the water in the room runs to a drain in the corner.  _ Drip, drip, drop, when the sky is cloudy, you come along with your pretty little song. _

She sits on the floor, clutching her legs to her body, shivering. She tries to heat up her arm to warm herself. But she is met with a slap to the face, knocking her back to the ground, next to the dropped hose. “No you don’t. Get up” The man grabs her flesh arm roughly lifting her to her feet. He grabs her bound hands, and leads her from the room and down a small hallway. Her naked form still shivering in the cool air.  _ Gay little roundelay, gay little roundelay. Song of the rainy day, song of the rainy day. _

At the end of the hall they come to a room, and the man enters a code on a keypad. They enter a small room. A control center, and an adjacent cryoroom, separated by a glass pane. He drags her into the cryoroom. He presses some buttons and enters a key into her wrist bindings, and they release with a hiss. He points to the corner. “Put your clothes on and get in the pod.”  _ How I love to hear your platter, pretty little pitter patter. _

She walks to the clothes, rubbing her raw wrist with her metal hand. Slipping them on, briefly missing her gloves, but deciding to just be appreciative they are giving her clothes. She stares at the pod. Dreading the impending cold. “Hurry up!” The man yells, impatiently.  _ Helter skelter when you pelter. Troubles always seem to scatter. _

She steps inside the pod, knowing better than to cry as the door closes, because freezing tears against her skin hurt like a bitch. The frost creeps across the inside of the pod. She begins to fall into the cold endless sleep.  _ Drip, drop, drip, drop….drip….drop. _

 

* * *

 

 

Lenore sits at the small table. Food gone, but still nursing her bottle of water. Looking at the empty chair Steve left vacated, occasionally glancing around the plane. Looking at anything; everything. Trying to keep her mind on something. Anything.  _ This is why I draw…and play music…hell even listen to music.  _ She tries watching the readouts on the screens at the front of the plane but still feels her mind drifting into dark places.  _ Nope. Nope. Not gonna think about any of it.  _ She picks up her bottle, taking a big gulp, sitting it back down on the table, then she notices the condensation on the plastic, bead up and roll down the bottle before stopping at her fingers.  _ Drip, drip, drop.  _ Her most recent memories flash behind her eyes, she rubs her wrist, long since healed in cryo, and squints her eyes hard, trying to force the memories away.  _ Think of anything else. Anywhere else. _

She is interrupted by a soft, comforting hand on her back. Her eyes spring open as she turns; Long brown hair and concerned eyes meeting her gaze.  _ Wanda. The telepath…Oh God, the telepath.  _ “I am so, so sorry. I forgot.” Lenore blurts out.

“Do not apologize, I looked in your head without your permission… I am sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. Lee always told me it was hard to stay out of people’s heads all the time, and she would find her way in without realizing it. I know the struggle. It’s fine. I am just sorry you had to see…that.” Lenore closes her eyes, taking a deep breath, “I know my memories are dark places.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Wanda asked quietly, sitting at the chair across from Lenore.

“Talking never really helps much with my problems. But you are welcome to ask if there is something you are wondering…” Lenore smiles gently.

Wanda hesitates, glancing out into the main room, but Lenore couldn’t quite follow where she looked. “Is…is that why you attacked him when you woke up?”

Lenore raises a confused eyebrow, followed Wanda’s earlier glance, right to Bucky, where they made brief eye contact, and then realizes what Wanda actually saw. She quickly returns her glance to Wanda. “Oh, no, no, no. It’s not what you think. It…wasn’t actually him.” Lenore tries to whisper so Bucky can’t overhear, “They were just dressed like him.” Lenore can see the relief wash over Wanda.

“Why would they…?”

“It was a joke to them. It…” She reaches forward, touching Wanda’s hand with her own, knowing it is easier to connect with physical contact. She shows her short memory of the man’s face saying  _ “See now you can just pretend we are him, and enjoy it as much as we will.”  _ While he holds the mask in plain view. Lenore pulls her hand away, waiting for Wanda’s reaction, but Wanda just reaches for Lenore’s hand again.

‘ _ He was the one they had that you care about?’  _ Wanda’s voice floats through her head. Not as strong as Lee’s always did. More like a whisper.

‘ _ Please don’t tell him…or anyone. He doesn’t remember me, and I can’t…’  _ Lenore pleads inside her head, but Wanda stands up, moving towards Lenore before pulling her into an embrace. Lenore leads into the hug, not even remembering the last time someone hugged her other than Lee.

“I won’t tell a soul.” Wanda whispers into her ear, before pulling her away, holding her at arm’s length, “And please come to me if you need to talk. I am happy to listen.” Wanda smiles warmly, inducing the same reaction in Lenore. “Oh and one more thing.” Wanda reaches into her pocket, pulling out a small iPod, and placing it in Lenore’s real hand. “It doesn’t have much, and most of it’s not even in English, but maybe it will help until you can get your own. You can borrow it as long as you need it.” Lenore feels tears springing up in her eyes, not being able to remember the last time someone was this kind to her.

“Thank you. So much.” Wanda nods. Putting her hand on Lenore’s shoulder.

‘ _ You should tell Bucky about how you feel. You both deserve a little bit of happiness. You have suffered enough.’  _ Wanda projects, and Lenore gives her a stern look,  _ ‘I am just saying. I think he remembers you more than you think he does.’  _ Wanda winks and walks away.

Lenore turns back around in her seat at the table, glancing back over at Bucky, who is still looking at her. Overwhelmed by the eye contact with him, as well as all the emotions flying around, she can’t contain the large grin that spreads across her face. To her surprise, he gives her a crooked, but genuine smile in return. She had never seen him smile like that before. He looked so  _ beautiful _ , she looked back to her bottle of water, watching the condensation roll down. Her smile faded but still present as she takes Wanda’s earphones and places them in her ears, listening to the music and begging her heart to stop fluttering.

* * *

 

Steve leaves Natasha at the cockpit, turning to see his best friend still staring at their guest. He comes to sit in the seat beside him. “You know if you keep staring at her like that, eventually she is going to notice.”

Bucky turns to Steve, smirking at him. “As long as she is playing her invisible piano, I think I am good.” Steve looks past Bucky, seeing Lenore still sitting at the table, her eyes closed, and headphones in. Silently tapping her fingers against the table.

“Where did the iPod come from? What did I miss while I was in the cockpit?”

“She was having a flashback, Wanda went over to her. They talked for awhile, and she let Lenore borrow it. She doesn’t seem as upset now.”  _ Oh and Wanda looked at me like she was terrified of me. That was great. _

“How do you know she was having a flashback? Did Wanda tell you?”

“No…I…know the look.” He glances back at Lenore, still rocking to the music, and playing along in her mind. “You feel like if you close your eyes hard enough you can make it stop. It doesn’t work…but you still try.” He turns back to Steve.

“You remember her, don’t you?”

“No” He answers, too quickly.

“I know when you lie, Bucky. Haven’t you learned that?” Steve laughs, and Bucky smiles.

“I don’t really  _ remember  _ her. But I do feel like I know her. Like if I try hard enough I can place her face somewhere… and I am trying, but I can’t…” Bucky pauses, looking for a way to explain it, “A lot like when I first saw you again…but different.”

“How is it different?” Steve asks and Bucky laughs.

“This is going to sound really weird.”

Steve smiles, “Now I have to know.”

Bucky glances back around, making sure Lenore is still oblivious, and sees her smiling to herself, and he can’t help but smile a little too. He turns back to Steve. “Well,” He raises two fingers and brushes them against his bottom lip. Lingering for a moment. “I swear I know what her lips feel like.”

Steve’s jaw drops a little before he smiles. “Oh?”

“Don’t give me that look, Steve.” Bucky laughs, before blushing slightly. “Which makes the fact that I can’t remember her that much more frustrating…She said I tried to kill her the last time she saw me… so, why would we have kissed?”

“Well when I was talking to her about you, it seemed like you were sort of friends. I think ‘in it together’ were her words.” Steve paused, “She also seemed hurt that you didn’t remember her at all. Maybe you should tell her you do.” Steve smiled, “Maybe ask her to refresh your memory about that kiss?” Steve teases. “Or was it kisses? Do you know? Maybe we should go ask her.” Steve starts to get up, but Bucky uses his metal arm to force him back down, making Steve laugh harder.

“You are still a punk, you know? Just bigger now…” He pauses, “Wait, you talked to her about me?”

Steve smiles, feeling like she has already helped him get his Bucky back. Teasing about girls just like old times, except back then, Bucky was the one doing the teasing. “Yeah, but it was basically just what I told you. Maybe you should talk to her. Or just kiss her…and see what happens.” Steve laughs as Sam walks up to them.

“I don’t think you can  _ just kiss  _ a girl like that without getting stabbed. Even if you are the Winter Soldier.” Sam smiles, joining in on the teasing.

“Oh now you are in on this, too?” Bucky exclaims. Wanda walks up to join the fun. Bucky glances back at Lenore. Still no change; still in her own world.

“It may not be the worst idea Steve has ever had.” Wanda chimes in.

Bucky squints at her, “What do you _know_?” he asks, but she throws her hands up in mock surrender.

“It’s just a thought.” Wanda replies, but before Bucky can push, the intercom dings overhead.

Natasha’s voice fills the cabin. “ETA ten minutes. Everybody pack up and buckle in.” Bucky watches Lenore pull her earphones out and listen to the announcement. While glancing around, she meets his eyes, and she smiles again, not as much as before, but still… _ So beautiful…  _ He smiles back at her, and she quickly looks away.  _ Is she that scared of me?  _ He looks at the ground. When he looks back up he sees that the rest of the team has taken their seats much quicker than usual. He realizes why when he sees that the only landing seat pulled out and open is the one directly to his right.  _ Those sneaky… _

His thought are interrupted by her crossing in front of him, to grab the seat designated for her by the group. She sits down beside him, and thanks to the close nature of the seats, her thigh is brushing against his, and he can feel the warmth of her skin touching the sleeve on his real arm. His breath catches when she pushes most of her body against his while she tries to find the buckle to strap herself in. When she gets it locked in she pulls away back to a normal sitting position, and he misses the contact. Then she looks up at him. “Sorry, my bad. Never was good at seatbelts.” She smiles.

He smiles back, “it’s fine.” He looks down.  _ Well that was a good response… _ He notices her hand is resting on her thigh right next to his.  _ It would be so easy to just reach over and grab it…to hold it. _ He averts his eyes to look at his own feet, swallowing hard.  _ This is going to be a long ten minutes. _


	5. All I Want

_ "Playing my songs is the way I cope with life. Won't keep my voice down. Know the words I speak are the thoughts I think out loud." -A Day to Remember _

* * *

 

_ Orders. New orders….  _ The man in the uniform comes to stand in front of her, and someone else. “Infiltrate the base.” He turns to look directly at the man beside her. “You are to make sure you kill this man” He holds up a picture to the masked man beside her, before turning to look directly at her. “You are to make sure there are no witnesses.” She nods.  _ Orders. No witnesses. No loose ends. No strings. Ain’t no strings on me… _

* * *

 

She steps over the bodies littering the ground before her. A few men with guns. Mostly women and children.  _ Witnesses. Witnesses. No strings. No survivors.  _ She steps out into the next room, where the other man was dragging the target along the floor.  _ Partner. Soldier.  _ She happens to see a glint from a scope out of the window behind him. Before she thinks, she is silently darting across the expanse of room between them. She lunges at him, knocking him out of the way, just before she feels the sting of the bullet entering her own abdomen. She hits the ground, clutching her bleeding bullet wound. The masked man follows the line of the shot, and returns the favor to the sniper, before quickly putting a bullet into the forehead of the target. He kneels down beside her.

”You missed one.” She says, ripping her vest and shirt open to see the wound. The man takes off his mask and looks down at her, she is stunned momentarily by the handsome face before her.

“Why did you do that?” He asks, rather gruffly.

“A thank you would suffice…Not my fault you can’t properly clear a room.” She tries to lift her head to see the wound, but it is too high on her body.

“ _ Why  _ did you do  _ that? _ ” He asks again, harsher this time.

“I don’t fucking know. I just did it.” She starts to heat up her arm, “Now, I need you to take the bullet out. I can’t see the shot.”

He looks at her in confusion before glancing down at her bleeding torso, “How?”

She begins to lose patience. “Stick your fingers in the hole. Grab the thing that feels like metal and yank it out!”

“But you will bleed out even more… this won’t –“ He questions.

“I got it covered, just do it!” She screams at him, and he looks at her with concern, and for a brief moment, she sees a different man in his eyes.  _ The trapped man.  _ He shoves his fingers into her body, and she screams. Her voice ringing through the empty halls, nobody to hear her but the wildlife. She uses the pain to fuel herself to heat up her arm further, she feels the metal start to burn the skin where metal meets flesh. A moment later, his hand emerges, covered in her blood, but a small chrome cylinder between his fingers. She reaches out and grabs his blood covered hand with her flesh hand. If she wasn’t in agony, she would have laughed at the look of shock on his face.  She grips his hand as she shoves her metal pointer finger into her gunshot wound, the rancid smell of burnt flesh floating between them and she screams. He grips her hand back until she pulls her metal hand back away from her body. She looks down at the burnt area of skin, just thankful she is no longer bleeding out. She takes her hand away from his, using it to refasten her shirt and vest. “Thank you.” She says, returning to her feet.

“No…” He pauses, standing up, and wiping her blood on his pants, “Thank you.” He looks into her eyes, and again, she catches a glimpse of the man behind the glass. The man trapped in his own mind, just as she was trapped in hers. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel completely alone. She and this nameless man in a mask were in the same situation. In it together.

* * *

 

The jet door opens to a green field, dense woods of pine trees on either side of the field, and straight ahead is a large building.  _ The base.  _ Everyone files out of the jet, and begins walking towards the building, and Lenore follows. A large warm wind came whipping from the trees, blowing through her hair. She stops in her tracks, closing her eyes and taking in a deep breath, bringing to mind a thousand memories of running barefoot through grass just like this…sitting under trees and drawing while her sister reads… Her memories are interrupted by a voice beside her,

“Is everything alright?” a cool voice speaks into her ear, and she turns, having to look up to meet his eyes. _Bucky._ She smiles…

“Yeah. It just…it smells like home…” She turns into the wind, feeling the breeze through her hair. “Where are we?”

“I’m not sure exactly. Somewhere in Virginia, I think.” He replies, watching the smile on her face grow.

“So close to home…I don’t think I have been so close to home since…1960…” She opens her eyes, turning to look at him, and continuing to walk. “The wind still smells the same. The dogwood and pine.”

He walks beside her, the rest of the group pretty far ahead of them now. “I grew up in Brooklyn. When I started to get my memories back, I went there…” Lenore watches the sadness grow in his eyes. “Nothing was the same. Not the buildings…or the people…everything I knew was gone…except this one little pizza shop on a corner that Steve and I used to go to…” He smiles, and she feels her heart flutter. “When I walked by I smelled them baking their dough, and I swear, it was like a hundred memories of walking by that shop came with it.” He laughs lightly, and she joins him.

“It is amazing what brings back a memory. Especially memories you didn’t even remember having.” He looks down at her, and she feels their fingers brush as they walk over the uneven ground. She pretends she doesn’t notice. “I think smells can bring back the strongest memories, because you don’t even notice them. You don’t know that you know them until you smell them again somewhere else.”

He smirks warmly at her. “What were we?” She is shocked by the suddenness of the question, and he seems shocked that he asked it. His eyes go back and forth across her face. “It’s so easy to talk to you. Like I have known you for years. I hate that I don’t remember…but I know that I know you.”

Lenore swallows hard. _He does remember me._ She feels like her heart swells and she has to will herself to calm down. “I don’t know what I was to you… you never told me…” She takes a breath. “But for me, you were the person who knew not to ask for my name. Because you knew I didn’t have one. You didn’t have one either. You were a sympathetic face when they were reciting words from a book, and taking away my free will…You were as trapped as I was. You knew what it was like. We were in it together.” She laughs lightly, “Every time we met, I thought I was making a new friend.” She smiles at the grass under her feet. “When I got all my memories back, and I could remember all of it. It felt like you were there the whole time. My friend in the hell.” Lenore looks back up at him, his expression undecipherable, but before he can respond, they are at the doorway and Wanda is grabbing Lenore’s hand, dragging her inside.

“C’mon you have to see the place and meet the others!” Wanda yells excitedly, as she drags Lenore deeper into the base. Lenore looks back over her shoulder, seeing Bucky still standing in the doorway, looking at her with that same unknown expression.

The short hallway opens into a large living room common area. A figure appears from the hallway on the right, a floating red…man? Her jaw drops slightly, before Wanda waves him over, “Lenore, this is Vision… and Vision, this is Lenore. Long story short, the Hydra program that made me what I am also made her, and she and her sister are the secret to fixing Bucky’s mind.” Wanda says that last part rather quick.

“Hello, Lenore. It is a pleasure to meet you.” Vision smiles and extends his hand towards her. “I am an android, in case you were wondering.” She extends her metal hand out and shakes his.

“It’s nice to meet you too.” She notices his hand feels strange, and before she can stop herself, she has flipped his hand over, and is touching his skin with her flesh hand. “Is your skin metal?” Lenore asks him, smiling.

Vision returns the smile warmly, seemingly un-phased by the intrusion “It’s an organic vibranium alloy, so yes and no.”

“That is cool as shit! And as a painter, I gotta tell you that this color palette you have going on here is great.” She gestures to his body. She is about to continue, but she feels something off, and glances back to Wanda, who seems uncomfortable. Realizing her mistake she drops Vision’s hand, “It was nice to meet you, Vision.” She looks back to Wanda and smiles, “Didn’t you want to show me around the place?” Wanda nods, and the two of them proceed deeper into the room. As soon as they are out of earshot of Vision, Lenore leans towards Wanda. “Sorry, didn’t mean to make you jealous. He is all yours, toots.” Wanda spins to look at Lenore, a surprised look on her face. Lenore smiles. “I told you I could feel strong feelings, and jealousy was wafting off of you like salt off the ocean.” Lenore laughs as Wanda blushes, “Weren’t you the one giving me the lecture about expressing my feelings? Doesn’t that make you a giant hypocrite?” Wanda slaps Lenore lightly on the shoulder.

“I’ll tell him…eventually” Wanda whispers.

“Your secret is safe with me, dear. It’s only fair.” Lenore replied as Natasha walks up to their corner of the common room.

“What are we doing over here? Talking about boys?” Natasha jokes.

Wanda quickly shakes her head but Lenore smirks and beats her to the answer, “Bingo.”

“Which one? Vision or Bucky?” Nat asks, smiling at the reaction on both of their faces. “If you two think you can keep anything from me you are sorely mistaken.”

“We should be continuing the tour,” Wanda chimes back in, clearly wanting to end the boy talk, “This is the common room, and that is the kitchen. You are welcome to use anything at any time.” Lenore follows Wanda and Nat out of the room, a large grand piano in the corner catching her eye as they head down the hall to the right of the entrance to the building.

Nat takes over speaking, “Here are everyone’s rooms. Each has its own bathroom.” She points to the first door on the left, “That one is mine.” Two doors down on the right, “That is Wanda’s.” One door down and on the left, “Bucky’s” Nat smiles, and points to the next one down, “And that is yours.”

Lenore looks at her in disbelief. Nat chuckles, “I swear, it is a complete coincidence.” She leans forward, unlocking the door, and opening it wide. There is a twin bed with fresh sheets, a small desk, a chest of drawers, a bookshelf, a closet and the door to the bathroom. Bigger than a dorm room, but very similar. “We will get your sizes on everything and send the staff out to get you some clothes you will like. Down the other hall is a gym, a library, and miscellaneous laboratories. Wanda can show you all that later.”

Lenore looks around the room again, and then back to Nat and Wanda. “Thank you all so much for this. You really don’t have to do any of it. I am more than willing to help Bucky even without all of this.”

Nat smiles, “I know. But maybe after Bucky’s mind is fixed you and your sister will want to stay and help the cause. You could be a great asset. You could help save a lot of people.”

Lenore stares between the two women, not fully comprehending what is being asked, but Wanda’s warm smile confirms it. “You…want me to be a part of your team?”

“Yeah, but only if you want to. You can think it over as long as you like, and even if you say no, you are more than welcome to stay here as long as you like…Now I will let you two get back to your boytalk. I need to go look through those files and try to find your sister.”

“Thank you, Natasha.”

“Call me Nat.” She exits the room and moves silently down the hall. Lenore sits on the bed, and Wanda comes to sit beside her.            

“I know you must be missing your sister.” Wanda says, looking at the carpet.

“Yeah. So much. She is my other half. I feel lost without her here.”

“I know how you feel. I was a twin too.” Wanda replies sadly. “I miss Pietro every second of every day.”

Lenore pulls Wanda into a tight hug. “Wanda, I am so sorry. I can’t even fathom how much that would hurt. I don’t know if I could survive without Lee. You are so strong to keep going”

“I keep going for him. He never stopped fighting.” She smiles solemnly, “And neither will I.”

“To be honest, most of the time, the only thing keeping me from putting a gun in my mouth is knowing what it would do to her….she keeps me strong even when I don’t want to be.” She pulls away from the hug, smiling at Wanda. “If you ever want to talk about Pietro, or Vision, or anything at all. I am here. You know where to find me.” She can feel tears swell up in her eyes, and she wipes them away.

“Thank you. So much” Wanda whispers, wiping her own eyes too, before covering it up with a smile. “I saw you looking at the piano in the main room. Tony keeps one in each of his buildings. I think it is to feel closer to his mother. Nobody plays it, but I have always wanted to hear it be played.”

A large grin spreads across Lenore’s face. “You want to go do that?”

“I would love to.” Wanda giggles, and the two of them exit the room, closing the door behind them. The two head out into the main room, advancing towards the piano. Lenore sees Bucky sitting on the couch, looking up from a book at the sound of giggling. She smiles at him, and he smiles back. The two girls sit down at the piano bench, and Lenore drags her fingers across the keys. She looks to Wanda beside her.

“What do you want me to play?”

“Whatever you want.” Wanda smiles, looking giddy.

“Well, I am going to assume the most played song on your iPod is your favorite song.” Her fingers begin dancing across the keys, playing a pleasant tune that Wanda recognizes instantly.

“How did you already know this? It is from a local band in Sokovia!” Wanda exclaims, looking at Lenore excitedly.

“I didn’t. Learned it on the plane.” Lenore smiles, looking at Wanda briefly but not pausing the song.

“You play it beautifully…perfectly. How did you learn it so quickly?”

“I have always been able to play music by ear…that talent was exacerbated by the experiments. Not the intended result, but the only result I really enjoy” She explains as the song draws to a close.

“Can you teach me a song?” Wanda asks, rather innocently.

Lenore gives Wanda a huge grin. “I would love to.”


	6. End This Way

_ "It could have been much worse, but it should have been better. I know I hurt you...Deserted you... Now I see it clear. I pulled you closer, tighter, cause I knew you'd disappear." -Five Finger Death Punch _

* * *

 

_ Goddamn snow…Goddamn cold.  _ She shivers, heating up her arm to keep herself warm. She looks over at the masked man, her partner on this mission. “Did you have to take out the electrical systems  _ before  _ we confirmed extraction?”

“How was I supposed to know there was a blizzard coming in? We had orders…” He growled. Visibly shivering in his own corner of the small building.

She lightly laughed at his shaking form, “Aren’t you supposed to be the _Winter_ Soldier?”

“So they tell me.” He pauses, and she can hear his teeth chattering beneath the mask. “How are you not cold?” He asks, glaring at her laying calmly on the ground, “It is like negative twenty in here.”

She laughs loud enough for him to hear, and she hears him audibly growl. She lifts her metal arm towards him, inviting him to come to her. “Come here, I’ll share.” He remains in the same position just staring at her. “I am pretty sure people cuddle for warmth in life threatening situations. And my orders were to make sure you didn’t get damaged. There is no telling what they would do to me if you froze to death before they got here tomorrow.”

He stands, stalking over to her, still shaking, and she watches him slowly advance on her. She shivers for an entirely different reason. “You…want to _cuddle_?”

“Would you rather freeze to death? Your choice I guess.” He sighs as he sits next to her. “You are gonna need to face me, if I put this anywhere on you but your metal arm, it will burn the hell out of your skin.” She lifts her arm higher so he can feel the heat wafting through the air around it, and he squints at her in disbelief. “C’mon, _Soldat._ You are wasting my heat. Are you scared because of the hot-arm thing or the cuddling with a woman thing?” She laughs as he glares at her, scooting in close to her, cautiously placing his metal arm around her waist. Using his other arm as his pillow. Face to face with her.   _His eyes are the prettiest blue…_

Before she can lay her arm on his he moves it, and she finds herself missing the contact briefly. He reaches up into his hair, unclasping his mask from his face and sitting it on the ground above his head. She gets a clear view of his face, just inches from hers. _Damn, he is handsome._ He returns his arm to her waist and she lays her arm onto his, conducting the heat through his arm and into his body. He closes his eyes, relishing in the warmth. A chill runs through her at the loss of heat for her own body. She begins to generate more energy, despite knowing she can’t keep up this burn rate if she is asleep. _Oh well, there are worse views to stay awake to._ She smiles, noticing his breathing has gotten slower. She briefly wonders if she has met him before, but lost the memory. _Surely I wouldn’t have forgotten a face this handsome…even with the wipes._ She focuses on his breathing, trying not to fall asleep so that she can keep them both warm. She hopes they let her keep this, even though she knows that it won’t happen. _Compliance is rewarded…such a crock of shit._

* * *

 

 

Bucky remains on the couch for an unknown amount of time. Initially he planned to take the time to put to words his impressions of her, and the memories he has made today. He finished writing several pages in one of his journals when he hears giggling from the other side of the room.

He looks up to see her smiling with Wanda, and then she looks at him and smiles too. He tries to return to his writing, but is distracted again by her voice, and then by her music. She is apparently playing a song of Wanda’s… _I guess that invisible piano you were playing wasn’t for nothing, huh?_

He tries not to stare, or intrude on her life and continues writing fragments of memories and feelings in his journal. He thinks about how well she is handling herself. _She went through the same things I did…we were in it together._ He smiles, thinking about their earlier conversation. _But she seems perfectly fine… while I am so… not._

From across the room, he hears her laugh, “No, no! That is the ‘A’ you gotta hit the ‘C’...yeah that one!” Wanda laughs too, joking about being terrible and Lenore assuring her that she isn’t. He tries to ignore her voice, writing down little memories of Brooklyn. Of Steve. Of that little pizza shop on the corner. He doesn’t even realize that Wanda has left the room until the music changes. He looks up and realizes it is much darker outside, and Lenore is alone on the bench. Playing alone now.

He watches as she moves to her own music, leaning into certain notes more than others. He doesn’t recognize any of the songs she plays, but he knows that they all sound beautiful. He can no longer focus on his writing, instead listening to the sweet sound of the piano. He continues to stare at his journal; pretending he has business in the main room other than listening to her. Occasionally he hears her voice come in quietly with some lyrics he can’t quite make out, and he makes a mental note to sit in the couch closer to the piano next time.

Hours later, when the music stops he looks up at the clock and sees that it is almost midnight. He turns his gaze to her, watching as she gets up from the bench and turns around. She jolts when she sees him, clutching her chest.

He chuckles. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

She smiles warmly. _Beautiful smile._ “It’s okay, I just didn’t realize you were still there. I am sorry if I was bothering you.”

“No, not at all. I liked hearing you play.” He replies as she walks closer to him.

“That always helped me too…” She says, when he raises a confused brow, she points to his lap. “Your journal… I did that too. Wrote down anything and everything. Just in case I forgot again…”

“Why did you stop?” He asked.

“Hydra found me.” She half smiles. “I am sure they burned them all. They probably burned everything I had. My journals. My art. My gloves. My iPod. My guitars. Leave no traces and all that…” She trails off, and Bucky sees a familiar sadness in her face. He has no idea what to do. _What should I say? What can I do?_

Before he can decide, she smiles again. “But I need to be gettin’ to bed. Been a long day…Goodnight Bucky. See you tomorrow.”

He returns her smile, silently wishing she would stay and talk to him, “Goodnight, Lenore.” He watches her disappear down the hallway, and moments later he hears her door close. He waits on the couch for several minutes, trying his best to make it look like he wasn’t just staying awake to listen to her, before finally retreating to his own room for sleep.

* * *

 

He wakes up to screams. Blood-curdling screaming, and something inside him knows he has heard those screams before. He leaps out of bed, heading into the hall. He sees Wanda exiting her room clutching her head and when she looks at him, he knows exactly what is going on. The screams continue as Bucky rushes to the thankfully-unlocked door to Lenore’s room. He is met with a view of her thrashing on her bed, screaming like she is in agony, the only light the moon shining in through the window. He advances on her, sitting on the bed beside her, clutching her shoulders enough to steady her, “Lenore! Lenore! Wake up. It’s not real. It’s not real.” She opens her eyes, and he sees so much fear in them, it breaks his heart. She tries to pull away from him, “It was just a dream. It’s me. It’s Bucky. I am here for you. You are safe now.” He says softly, looking directly in her eyes, watching as her fear is replaced by relief. She leans forward, pressing her head into his chest, and his arms instinctively wrap around her, holding her close to him. He runs his real fingers through her hair gently as he feels her heartbeat begin to slow down to normal.

He breaks the silence, “You know, you are invading my turf here.” She turns her head up to look at him, and he meets her eyes, noticing the tears in them. “Waking up in the middle of the night screaming is kind-of my thing.” He smiles, and so does she, followed by a half-laugh-half-sob, and the return of her head to his chest.

“I am sorry… I guess it was too quiet… The battery on Wanda’s iPod was low, and I thought I would be fine. I had gone so long without an incident.” She sobs again, and he hugs her tighter.

“Hey, hey. It’s fine. I know how it is. I know how the nightmares are...” He drifts off, and she pushes away from him to face him.

“Did they…put you in the box?” She asks him, and he sees the concern in her face.

“I don’t remember…I don’t think so.” He replies, and watches the relief wash over her.

“You would remember it if they did…they want you to remember. Helps encourage compliance.” she laughs darkly.

“What is the box?” He asks, almost dreading the answer.

She pulls away from him, leaning back and running her hands up her face and into her hair. “It’s… a little box. Filled almost to the top with water. They put you in and you float. You feel weightless. It is soundproof, and light tight. I have seen something similar used in therapies recently. Called sensory deprivation…” She pauses, gripping her hair tight. “They put you in there, and they trigger something in your mind that tricks your brain into believing you are burning alive…and they leave you there. For hours. Or days, depending on how badly you fucked up.” She makes that half-sob-half-laugh again, “If it is too quiet…sometimes my mind will remember it….their conditioning doesn’t go away. Ever. It just gets integrated into your mind.” She turns to look at him, tears in her eyes. “You don’t lose yourself anymore…but it never goes away.”

He scoots back, leaning back against the wall, and she follows, sitting beside him on her bed, the sound of metal on metal as their forearms brush. “Don’t take this the wrong way. But it makes me feel better knowing you are just as fucked as me.” She laughs, “I was thinking you were so well put together. So in control of everything. I thought I was way behind.”

“You gotta fake it ‘til you make it. If you pretend you are fine long enough, maybe eventually you can convince yourself it is true…” She turns to smile at him. “And I am doing better than you. I have all my memories and don’t turn into a killing machine when I hear Russian words.”

He smirks at her teasing, a little surprised that either of them can joke about it. “But that will be fixed soon enough, and then where will we be?”

“In it together… just like we always were… even if you don’t remember it.” She laughs.

“I wish I could.”

“Honestly? I am kinda glad you don’t.”

“Why is that?”

“If you did, you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“How do you know?”

“After what I did, I wouldn’t want to talk to me.” She replies, looking at her own feet dangling off the bed.

He scoots out so he can turn to see her face to face. “What did you do?” He asks, almost not wanting to know the answer.

She smiles a half smile. “You will remember soon enough…Now go back to bed. We need our sleep.”

She is clearly ending this conversation, and he regrets pushing her. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah. I am fine. I will put on some music for the rest of the night…” He turns to leave the room, “Hey Bucky?” He stops and turns back to look at her. “Thank you for being here.”

He smiles softly. “Anytime.” He turns and exits the room, closing the door behind him. He looks at the three concerned faces in the hall. “She is fine. Nightmare.” Steve and Nat nod, familiar with the drill from Bucky’s nightmares. Wanda continues to look at him, clearly still shaken up by however much of the nightmare she saw. “What did you see?” He asks her.

“Nothing. There was just darkness and pain…I looked when I heard her screaming…it was a memory, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah…I just wish I could help her.”

“I don’t know. I think maybe you are.” Wanda smiles, before retreating back into her room.

Bucky follows suit. Returning to his own room and closing the door. Staring at the ceiling and wondering what she could have possibly done that would shake the feelings he refuses to admit that he has.


End file.
